What does it take to raise boys into godly men in a culture that is confused — or outright hostile — about what manhood even means? As a pastor at Sovereign Grace Church of Louisville and a father of sons, Steve Whitacre has thought deeply about this question. Below, he offers counsel on the lies young men must resist, the markers that chart their progress toward maturity, and the role fathers, mothers, pastors, and books can play in shaping the next generation of godly men.

The Lies Young Men Are Fighting

The greatest danger to young men is not one single lie, but a multitude of lies that would draw them away from a biblical vision for godly masculinity. As far as the enemy of our souls is concerned, any lie will do that keeps young men from striving to know and follow Jesus Christ.

Three in particular stand out.

The lie about pornography. Perhaps the most widespread and pernicious lie young men face today is that pornography — and the lust it engenders — is not that big a deal, isn’t hurting anyone, is inevitable, or is even desirable. Young men desperately need help seeing the seriousness of this sin, and they desperately need hope to fight it. That help will come through specific guidance and accountability from older men who are themselves walking in godliness.

Pornography and the entertainment industry are relentless in their efforts to convince young men of vastly unrealistic expectations about physical beauty, romance, sex, and a man’s responsibility to lead and initiate in a relationship. Young men need guidance from older, wiser men about how to become the kind of man who is worthy of a woman’s attention and affection, and they need guidance in when and how to take the risks of initiative toward a woman. There is a lot of cultural accretion to chip away here, but the rewards are more than worth it (Prov. 18:22).

The lie of laziness and entitlement. Young men also need help resisting the broader culture’s pressure toward the mutually reinforcing destruction of laziness and entitlement. Has any generation in history done less and expected to be rewarded with more? We can help our young men be transformed by the renewing of their minds by teaching them to show up on time, work a full shift, and do consistently excellent work — whether in their education or employment.

When it comes to aspiration, young men face contradictory lies. On one hand, the drive to build, accomplish, and win is labeled “toxic” and squashed out — or drugged away — at a young age. On the other hand, the culture parades athletes, entertainers, influencers, and tech entrepreneurs before our sons as paragons of success. It is a confusing time to be a young man. We can serve the next generation by leading them into a biblical view of aspiration and success — helping them recover a biblical understanding of vocation and learn to discern God’s guidance so they can work and risk with confidence that they are following his will.

The lie about daily devotion. Finally, and most significantly, is the lie that daily meeting with God through Bible reading and prayer — real, significant time in God’s Word — is optional, or is something a young man can get serious about later. Young men need help to see that neglecting devotion to the Lord now will sow the seeds of greater neglect later. On the other hand, starting a consistent habit of rising early to read God’s Word and pray will yield outsized dividends in a young man’s life.

Markers on the Way to Manhood

There is real value in the idea that there are markers on the way to manhood — rituals, ceremonies, and milestones that help a young man know where he is on the journey. Much depends on region, family and church culture, and personal interests. Some mark moments with a trip, a hunt, a gift, or a gathering of older men to impart wisdom and welcome a youth into the brotherhood of men.

From a young age, I sought to define for my sons what godly, masculine maturity looks like, and describe what the next milestone would be on the journey. Often it involved growth in character: respect for their mother, diligence at school, courageous witness at work, encouragement and self-sacrifice on a team — and especially in the home and at church.

Around the time my sons hit double-digits — maybe ages 12 and 10 — I surprised them with the announcement that, from that day forward, they would get to set their own boundaries. Their eyebrows were raised as I explained: their boundaries would depend on my trust. Their curfew, access to devices, freedom with a car, and other privileges would extend as far as I could trust them. If their sin necessitated a tightening of those boundaries, the problem was not with me and my lack of trust. The issue was that they had become untrustworthy, and the burden was on them to earn back that trust. My responsibility would be to help them understand what repentance means in that situation, and what would be appropriate timelines and practical steps to rebuild trust.

I also looked for two key markers of growth in godliness: spiritual initiative and confession of sin. Is there an eagerness for God’s Word? A love for and willing service of God’s people? A desire to gather for church and a willingness to pray before others? Does he ask questions about theology, interpretation, and application? Does he ask for prayer?

And does he confess his sin? Anyone can get caught in sin, but one sign that a son is growing in real maturity is when he begins confessing temptations and sins that we wouldn’t otherwise know. That is one of the surest markers of genuine progress toward maturity.

One Book to Live In: Proverbs

No brainer: Proverbs. The entire book, from beginning to end, addresses young men with unsurpassed wisdom for how to live well in this world through the fear of the Lord. I recently came across a definition of the fear of the Lord that I really like: “It is knowing who God is, and who we are, and treating him accordingly” (Andrew Judd). Proverbs teaches young men the fear of the Lord, which is the beginning of knowledge and wisdom (Prov. 1:7; 9:10). Almost 3,000 years after it was written, Proverbs is as relevant for young men as ever.

A low bar to helping a young man develop a daily Bible reading habit is this: have him read a chapter of Proverbs each day and write down two or three verses that seem relevant for his life. Discuss those with him later in the day. Soon, themes will emerge about common temptations and trials. Choose a couple of verses on those topics to memorize.

I also recommend studying the life of Daniel with young men. His example of public conviction and courage, even at incredible personal risk, is extremely instructive.

What Dads and Moms Can Do

When my boys were preteens, I made an offhand comment to my wife Nicole about getting “quality time” with my sons. Her equally offhand reply — “Yes, but they need quantity time, too” — sparked a decade and more of striving to be a better dad.

The principle Nicole imparted is this: the older my sons get, they will need my time, attention, and discipleship more, not less. My boys need my regular presence, as well as my persistent inquiries into their spiritual health, temptations, friendships, and aspirations. They need my active, engaged, persistent discipleship. The kind of time required to disciple my sons rarely fits neatly into a weekly schedule and often competes with my other responsibilities — including my desire for rest. But there is a great deal at stake. The potential — not to mention the responsibility — of helping our sons to know and follow Jesus, and to lead and serve in the family, the church, and the world, is immense. It is well worth the time.

As a son grows toward manhood, a mother’s role in his life becomes less direct, but not less important. In Proverbs, a mother’s instruction is on par with the father’s as the key to a young man gaining wisdom. A wise father makes the most of a mother’s input, and a wise son learns to heed her words.

One of the most important ways a mother can invest in her teenage sons is by helping her husband be a better dad. I sometimes describe Nicole as my “early-warning radar.” Mothers are often most attuned to their children’s emotions, temptations, joys, and challenges. Many times, as I would call Nicole on my way home from work, she would alert me that one of our sons needed me to press in on a particular challenge, or needed specific encouragement. A mother helps her sons best by fostering communication, encouraging respect, and generally helping her son become the kind of godly man his father is.

In an age deeply disparaging of biblical fatherhood, a mother’s example of — and instruction in — respect for her sons’ father is profoundly counter-cultural. A mother’s role with her sons becomes even more crucial during these years, even as she is less directly nurturing than she was when they were younger.

What Pastors Can Do

Pastors can easily name the verses that describe the mandate to pass on the gospel to the next generation: Deuteronomy 6, Psalm 78 and 145, Ephesians 6. But it is harder to be specific about our methods for investing in young men. Some portion of what they need defies programming — the godly example of pastors and other godly men is essential to the atmosphere young men need in order to grow. But young men need to be close enough to pastors, and often enough, to observe and imitate their example. As pastors consider how to use their time, allocating some portion to being around younger men in the church will not be time wasted.

More specifically, young men need three things from their pastors: instruction, opportunity, and encouragement.

First, instruction. Who else, other than their own fathers, will teach them how to be a godly man? The culture surely will not. When planning the annual teaching diet of the church, wise pastors will ask: when, how, and what will I teach the young men about godly, masculine maturity? Whatever seems like an appropriate amount — double it.

Second, opportunity. In our day, so many of the cultural learning loops of risk — try, fail, learn, try again — have disappeared. Team sports have waned, screens have replaced human conversation, and even common opportunities for failure have vanished. Churches are one of the few places left where young men can be entrusted with responsibility, equipped for the task, and evaluated on their work. A young man can lead a shift of greeters at the front door. His oversight of a sound board might be the difference between a sermon being clearly heard or not. Let’s make room for young men to be faithful in little so that later they can be trusted with much.

Third, encouragement. These young men are getting smacked from every direction in the culture. Most of them don’t need a drill sergeant, and they certainly don’t need us to be their mothers. What they do need is genuine enthusiasm for the work God is doing in them and loving guidance for ways they can improve. What a difference it makes for a young man to hear from his pastor: “Great job today. I saw your service, and more importantly, the Lord saw it. This church is better for you being here, and I thank God for you.”

Some of these young men will become our pastors and preside over our funerals. Others will marry our daughters and granddaughters. Lord willing, they can all become the pillars our churches will need to continue thriving long after we are gone. Let’s train them up.

Books Worth Reading With Young Men

Reading books with your sons — and discussing them together — is one of the most formative investments a father can make. One of my sons recently graduated college and is about to be married; the other just graduated college as well. We still go to McDonald’s on most Saturdays and read a book together, taking turns reading successive paragraphs out loud, pausing to discuss. Right now, we’re working through J. I. Packer’s God’s Plans for You. The conversations have been rich.

Don’t overlook good literature, either. As David Powlison once observed, literature allows young men to borrow from other people’s experience and learn wisdom. Talk about character arcs, plot development, the depiction of good and evil, and the connection — or lack thereof — between sin and consequences.

Here are some recommendations, in no particular order:

Middle School

• C. J. Mahaney, Living the Cross Centered Life and Humility

• R. C. Sproul, The Holiness of God and Saved from What?

• John Piper, Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ

• J. C. Ryle, Thoughts for Young Men

• David Mathis, Habits of Grace

• C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia — read together and discuss, especially key passages like King Lune’s description of leadership in The Horse and His Boy: “For this is what it means to be a king: to be first in every desperate attack and last in every desperate retreat, and when there’s hunger in the land to wear finer clothes and laugh louder over a scantier meal than any man in your land.”

High School

• J. C. Ryle, Holiness

• J. R. R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

• C. S. Lewis, “The Inner Ring,” in The Weight of Glory

• J. I. Packer, Knowing God

• John Piper, When I Don’t Desire God

• John Ensor, Doing Things Right in Matters of the Heart

• Kevin DeYoung, Just Do Something

• Garrett Kell, Pure in Heart or Joe Rigney, More Than a Battle

• Homer, The Iliad and The Odyssey;

• Beowulf;

• Leif Enger, Peace Like a River

• Daniel James Brown, Boys in the Boat;

• Laura Hillebrand, Unbroken —

• and other well-written nonfiction stories that showcase masculine virtue and strength, even among non-Christians. Books like these show young men how to be men.

About the Author

Steve Whitacre serves as President of Trinity College of Louisville and as a pastor at Sovereign Grace Church of Louisville, where he oversees leadership development, men’s ministry, and Sunday classes. He holds a B.A. from Liberty University, an M.Div. and Th.M. from The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, and is completing a Ph.D. through the University of Aberdeen in partnership with Trinity College. Steve has been married to Nicole for more than twenty years, and they reside in Pewee Valley, Kentucky, with their four children.