After dinner a few weeks ago, my wife graciously and privately pointed out that I tend to quickly devour my food without engaging the family as much as I should during the meal. I immediately replied by reminding her of the specific questions I asked the kids during dinner that night. I also described other ways I often engage the family before and after the meal, challenging her perspective before resting my case that I am indeed a paragon of thoughtful and selfless family engagement. 

The whole situation demonstrated doubly that I have a communication problem: First, in how I interact at the dinner table, and second, how I respond when my wife shares input. 

I am not alone in my communication problem in marriage. Whether your marriage is happy or hurting, every couple needs help communicating. How can we speak in ways that fit the occasion? How can we build up and give grace with our words, rather than tear down? How can we honor God in response to the weaknesses and sins of our spouse, or in the midst of conflict?

Rob Flood is a fellow pastor at Covenant Fellowship Church and a good friend. Many marriages in our church, including my own marriage, have benefited from his counsel over the years. Rob has written an excellent guide for communication in marriage called, With These Words: Five Communication Tools For Marriage and Life. I found the book so helpful that I gave a copy to each couple in our church family, as a way to strategically invest in marriages. 

The book is shorter than most books on marriage, making it ideal for use in counseling and pastoral care. Each chapter has questions for discussion and reflection. Rob’s goal is not to set out a comprehensive understanding of marriage—there are other books that accomplish that goal. The unique value of With These Words is its focus on practical application and life change in communication. The case studies and stories throughout the book connect God’s truth to our marriages.

The five tools presented in the book are 1) First response (How to respond to sin and weakness in your spouse), 2) Prayer, 3) Physical touch, 4) Mirroring (Repeating in your own words what you understand your spouse to be saying), and 5) Proper timing. 

There is much wisdom to be found in each chapter. For the couple experiencing conflict, Rob explains that “The course of a conflict is determined by the person who responds, not the one who initiates” (60). For the busy couple not communicating sufficiently, Rob encourages scheduling conversation: “Couples who don’t plan to communicate are not going to communicate well” (104). For the couple fixated on each others weaknesses and sins, Rob says that in order to honor the Lord in marriage and grow as God intends, “you will need to make Christ your goal, not fixing or judging or adjusting your spouse” (140). 

If you feel distant from your spouse because of poor communication, you are not alone. If you have lost hope of improving communication with you spouse, don’t give up. If you, like me, have a communication problem and desire to grow, this book is for you. The gospel provides hope for power and change. Christ makes unity and closeness in marriage available as we humble ourselves, seek his glory, and apply God’s word. Do your marriage a favor and read this book.

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Jared is the senior pastor of Covenant Fellowship Church in Glen Mills, PA, serves as the Regional Leader for the Northeast Region, and is a member of the SG Executive Committee. He is the author of Think Again: Relief from the Burden of Introspection as well as A Bright Tomorrow: How to Face the Future Without Fear.  He resides in Glen Mills, PA with his wife Meghan and their six children.

On an average year, I read between forty and sixty books.  Usually, there are one or two of those books that go on my “Reread” list.  These are the books that were so meaningful and well written, that  I want there teaching and training to inform a later season in my walk with God. Tim Shorey’s Respect the Image is one such book.

Tim writes with a unique style and a winsome quality that makes reading enjoyable.  I’m not sure it would matter the topic to draw the reader in, but focusing on “reflecting human worth in how we listen and talk” is a fascinating topic in a cultural moment where many are running in opposite directions when it comes to political, social, and racial debates.   Tim’s pastoral experience of planting a multi-ethnic church give an add a layer of the necessity, urgency, and wisdom of followers of Christ learn how to listen well.  Hard and awkward conversations are necessary if we are going to love others the way Christ did.

Tim Shorey takes us by the hand to center us on the Gospel and then clarifies how the Gospel informs every part of the communication process in all spheres of life and relationship.  His chapter by chapter acrostic of C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-E slows you down to consider many of the complex dynamics that go into conversations, but also the joyful privilege of never speaking with a mere mortal.

The book ends with an Appendix called “G.R.A.C.E and Race Conversations:  Guidelines for Difficult Group Discussions.”  Simply put: It is a goldmine.  Our church has already used these guidelines in our own racial reconciliation work in Charleston, SC.

Respect The Image will serve my church family and I think it will benefit yours as well.  Put it on your list to read and then put it on your list to re-read.

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Mike Seaver is the lead pastor of Risen Hope Church, a Sovereign Grace Church, in Summerville, SC. He is a graduate of the Pastors College and has a master’s degree from Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. Mike is married to his best friend, Kristin, since 2000 and they have five beautiful daughters.

On December 18, 2019, The Gospel Coalition published a helpful book review written by Josh Blount, a Sovereign Grace pastor, at Living Faith Church in Franklin, WV. 

It’s an axiom for carpenters, mechanics, and lovers of the tool section at Home Depot: you need the right tool for the right job. I once spent an hour trying every saw in my possession to trim one inch off of a door jamb to accommodate new hardwood flooring. None worked. Then I realized there’s a tool for that. One trip to Home Depot later, I had finished the job in less than five minutes. The right tool for the right job.

Books are like that, too. Having the right book on the right topic will save time and create clarity. If you’re in ministry, having the right book is an added bonus: not only will it sharpen your own thinking appropriately, but you’re then positioned to give the right resource to the right questioner. And amid the current gender revolution, Sharon James’s Gender Ideology: What Do Christians Need to Know? is a welcome addition to the toolbox. The book has a specific task—summarizing at a popular level the ideological underpinnings to the LGBT revolution, and it accomplishes that goal admirably.

Respectful Dialogue

Appropriately, Gender Ideology both begins and also ends with a call for respectful treatment of those who disagree with us or struggle with this topic. Christians must love and respect those confused about their gender, because they’re God’s image-bearers. James—who works for the Christian Institute in the United Kingdom—models such respect by beginning her book with a testimony of someone who had a gender “transition” and later came to Christ, and by sprinkling such firsthand narratives throughout. The effect is to humanize James’s discussion and to remind us that this topic isn’t abstract, but deeply personal.

In both the beginning and also end of the book, James makes one of the most helpful distinctions I’ve seen on this topic: between gender ideology and the victims of that ideology. Gender ideology must be opposed, because of the damage it will do to real people; those who struggle with gender confusion must be loved, because they are real people. Framing the discussion in this way gives a place for both compassion and also courage: compassion toward strugglers, especially those who’ve been told from a young age that gender is fluid and identity is completely self-made; and courage to oppose this destructive vision of a gender-fluid human nature.

The bulk of James’s book demonstrates why gender ideology is so harmful, yet so pervasive in the West. She gives a brief history of the global sexual revolution (chapter 1), gives the reader a survey of frequently asked questions (“Can we really change sex?”, chapter 2), defines gender theory (chapter 3) and traces its historical origins (chapter 4), then lays out a brief biblical vision for male and female by design (chapter 5). The book then closes with the alarming way gender ideology is being aimed at increasingly young children (chapter 6) and a 10-fold call for respect (chapter 7) that, appropriately, ends with “Respect our Creator God.”

Alternative Theology

So where does this book fit in your toolbox? Gender Ideology is the book to reach for when you need to explain why gender ideology is, in effect, an alternative theology. While it’s not a work of academic intellectual history (it does have adequate footnotes throughout and a helpful bibliography), I don’t know any other book that summarizes the intellectual and cultural backstory to gender theory for a popular audience.

If you’re in youth ministry, you’ll want to read this book. If you’re a parent, this book will help you grow in discernment about our culture’s influence on your kids, and, depending on your educational context, will help you ask key questions about your child’s curriculum. As a pastor, read this book not only for yourself but also to pass on when a church member wants help understanding how to think about the “T” in LGBT.

James’s book isn’t the first book I’d turn to for someone struggling with gender confusion, or for a first introduction to biblical sexuality and gender. Her chapter on “Male and Female—by Design” is too short to suit that purpose, and a book focused on ideology can’t speak directly to a struggler with wise and compassionate counsel. For those purposes, books like Vaughan Roberts’s Transgender or Andrew Walker’s God and the Transgender Debate are the tools of choice. But for its purpose, Gender Ideology fits a needed niche in your toolbox.

I first read a review copy of Grandparenting With Grace about 18 months ago—a week after my wife and I learned my daughter Emma was pregnant with our first grandchild. Larry McCall’s new book gave me a vision for passing the gospel onto the next generation. Now, eighteen months later, I have two grandchildren with a third on the way. Life changes fast! And I am reading Grandparenting With Grace again. It’s that good.

If you are a grandparent, you need to read this book. Larry will inspire you and give you the tools you need to make an impact on your grandchildren’s lives. The book is organized into seven short, easy to read chapters followed by three to five questions for discussion. The chapter’s each end with ideas to help you apply what you’ve learned. For example, in Chapter Four, Intentional Grandparenting, Larry suggests writing out a “blessing” to speak over each of your grandchildren on a special occasion in the upcoming year. A great idea that is easy to do but one that could have a lasting impact on the life of a grandchild.

Larry shares ways to support parents in their job while giving grandparents a vision for the unique role God has for us to play. I especially appreciate Larry’s encouragement to become a praying grandparent. My wife’s grandfather Carl is credited with praying all of his grandchildren into the kingdom. Reading Grandparenting With Grace reminded me of that critical value.

Get a copy of this book, but don’t read it alone—go through it as a couple. Or better yet, invite a group of other grandparents from your church to join you in reading through this book together. Then spend time praying for each of your grandchildren. As grandparents, it is too easy to allow the “retirement years” to be all about taking it easy. It is important that we not miss the opportunity God has given us to pass gospel truth and godly example on to our grandchildren. Grandparenting with Grace will motivate you to want to make an impact and then give you the tools you need to make it happen.

Grandparenting with Grace is published by New Growth Press.

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Marty Machowski currently serves as Executive Pastor of Covenant Fellowship in Glen Mills, PA. He is the author of Old Story New, Long Story Short, The Ology, Dragon Seed, and other books and curriculum for children and families and churches. Marty resides in West Chester with his wife, Lois. They have six children. You can find more about his books here.

In 1989, a kids’ book entitled Heather Has Two Mommies provoked a national controversy in the US about children’s literature, gender messaging, and public libraries. As the saying goes, that was then, and this is now – and a brave new now, at that. Search Amazon for “LGBT Kids Books,” and you’ll find a host of titles, including some in the “Baby to 2” category. Children’s books with a gender message are here to stay. And that means Christian parents need to be prepared. How would you lead a conversation with your kindergartner about a classmate with two mommies?

Until now, we didn’t have many children’s books to help us with that conversation. There are a few good books that try to prepare us as parents, like David Martin’s Rewriting Gender? You, Your Family, Transgenderism, and the Gospel or Gender: A Conversation Guide for Parents and Pastors by Brian Seagraves and Hunter Leavine. Jani Ortlund’s A Child’s First Book About Marriage: God’s Way is Always Best addresses the topic, but is probably too long for children under the age of 9 or 10. But with secular messaging aimed at ever-younger audiences, how should Christian parents prepare? Enter Marty Machowski’s God Made Boys and Girls.

Aimed at three-to-five-year-olds, this book’s colorful illustrations and basic storyline will help parents lay biblical foundations for conversations about gender. The story starts with a girl, Maya, playing football with the boys at recess. Does that mean Maya is going to become a boy? “No, girls can’t turn into boys,” says Mr. Ramirez, the kids’ teacher. The rest of the book is a conversation between Mr. Ramirez and his students about what it means to say, “God made boys and girls.” That format allows the book to cover key truths in simple, memorable fashion. Children will learn that gender is God’s good gift to us through creation and that each of us has a “secret code” chosen by God that determines whether we are boys or girls. “Boy is in your blood,” Mr. Ramirez says, “and if you are a girl, girl is in your blood.” By the end of the conversation, the story has covered not only secret codes (and what kid doesn’t like secret codes?) but also Genesis 1-2, the diversity of gifts and talents that boys and girls can have (girls like football and boys can be artists), the love of God displayed in the gospel, and the need for us to respond to others who are confused about gender in a way that reveals that same gospel love. That’s a lot to accomplish in under 30 pages! God Made Boys and Girls ends with a full-page spread for parents titled, “Truths about Gender to Share with Children,” with paragraph summaries of key points to help parents think biblically about gender issues.

For Christian parents who live in the shadow of the contemporary gender revolution, God Made Boys and Girls is a gift. Take it and read it yourself, to give you ideas about how to make biblical truth bite-sized and age-appropriate. Read it aloud with your kids to proactively prepare them for the kinds of questions they will face when kids in the neighborhood have two mommies, or when a classmate who last year was a “he” is now a “they.” Use the “Truths about Gender” section to help you think about key values you should instill in your children to prepare for these kinds of questions. And, in whatever conversations this brave new now leads you to have with your kids, remember the gospel that shines light into darkness and brings clarity to confusion. On that subject, I’ll let Marty have the last word, from the last paragraph of God Made Boys and Girls: “So let’s be sure to have compassion on people who are confused about gender and extend Christian love to them as we share the good news of the kingdom.”

Amen!

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Josh, his wife, Anna, and their three children are proud to call Franklin, West Virginia, their home. Josh serves as a pastor at Living Faith Church, and he is a PhD student in historical and theological studies at Westminster Theological Seminary in Philadelphia.

I’ve always wanted to write a book on parenting. The dream has been real since before I had kids, but it was most alive when I had 4 kids under the age of 7. A short look at my family would have revealed a home where dad clearly knew what he was doing. I was a guy any wise person would want to learn from. That was my opportunity. I now have 6 kids ranging from 19 to 4 and the very last thing in the world I should do is write a book on parenting.

You’d think the added experience would further qualify me, but that would mean you don’t have older children. If you have older children, you’re not eager to write a book on parenting either. You see, books on parenting usually fall into one of two categories.

The first category provides the theology of parenting. It is so ethereal and aloof that it is of no earthly good. It speaks in such broad tones that no parent in the battle for the hearts of their children could put it to good use. These books are well-intended, I’m sure. Moreover, there is a time for them to be read. However, in the heat of the parenting battle, you need something grittier.

That’s the second category of parenting books. These are methodological books. They tell you how to parent. They seem wonderful because they answer all of your deepest and most troubling questions—that is until you try to apply them. When you do this, you realize that this book was written to teach parents everywhere how to parent the author’s children. They are significantly less helpful when applied to your children.

Of course, there have been notable exceptions to these two categories. These are likely the books that grace your shelves and are recommended by you to others. However, overall, the more I parent, the less I want to read about how to parent. That may surprise you, but it is undoubtedly true. No, the more I parent, the more I want to read books about God. I want to know more intimately the God who is bigger than my weaknesses and more powerful than my children’s sin. The more I parent, the more I want to read books like Parenting First Aid: Hope for the Discouraged by Marty Machowski.

This book does not tell you how to parent. It doesn’t provide parenting tips such as “5 Steps to a Happy Home.” It doesn’t promise to create compliant teenagers or even to work on our kids at all. This book is written with parents in mind: parents who sometimes (often) fail to see and believe God in their parenting struggles. This book is written with a parent like me in mind.

Parenting First Aid follows a well-crafted course of twenty chapters. Each chapter contains biblical teaching, followed by three days of devotions, each containing questions for discussion, prayer, and reflection. If digested slowly, it could take a reflective four months of time with a spouse. If done in a group, it could be 5, 10, or 20 weeks of fellowship. If the book is read front to back, it could take four hours. Allow me to recommend all of the above.

Why such a strong recommendation? There are many reasons, but the first is by far the most important. This book leaves the reader with a sense of God. Too often, parenting books leave you with a sense of failure. They can make you wish you had the author as a dad or a mom and that your kids did, too. This only takes the reader to hopelessness, which doesn’t help our parenting much at all.

Parenting First Aid leaves you with hope because it leaves you with God. It shows us how to embrace our weaknesses as parents in exchange for the great and precious promises of God. Allow me to present you with three paragraphs to serve your soul and provide a sampling of the book:

“Worry sprouts from the seeds of our doubts and fears. We doubt God’s goodness or we fear he won’t help us. Then we take life’s challenges into our own hands. And since we are not in sovereign control over all things, our only recourse is to worry. Worry robs you of sleep on both ends of the night. You can’t fall asleep for worry and as soon as you wake up, worry is ready to enslave you for another day of ‘anxious toil.’ Anxious toil is better know as spinning your wheels, trying to do what only God can do. The remedy for worry is repentance—we need to admit that we are not trusting God and to return to depending upon him in our weaknesses.” (p. 44-45)

“In those moments when we are not sure how to lead, we need to remember that God’s will is not a narrow path where all is lost if we miss making the right decision. It is just the opposite. God is so powerful that he works all things together for our good no matter what we decide. So discipline your son or show him mercy. Allow your daughter to go on the date or keep her home. Either way, in all these situations, as we thoughtfully try to discern the best choice, God is able to work all things together for your good.” (p. 116)

“When our children pack their bags and run from home, or reject God’s grace in their stubborn pride, we need not fear. Let us look to heaven and ask our sovereign Lord to release the trial he has composed for them, that they might return to him and us. While we wait and pray for their return, let us soak in the deep mercies God has extended to us through the cross so that when we are met with our son’s or daughter’s repentance, our response will match that of the father in the parable.” (p. 148)

Authorial genuineness drips from every page as this author has walked through the challenges about which he writes, which is not just insight a close friend has. Marty shares his story throughout the book, as well as other true stories of God’s faithfulness and mercy through challenges, failures, and disappointments. The picture painted throughout the book is one of reality. It is a challenging reality that all parents know. However, it is a glorious reality over which our holy and loving God is sovereign.

Pick up Parenting First Aid for your own family. Pick up copies for those in the midst of the struggle and promote this book to your church to strengthen their faith in God. You’ll find these lessons, if well applied, will spill over out of the context of parenting, leading the reader to live with greater faith in our great God in other areas of their lives as well.

Allow me to leave you with the words that conclude the book. Speaking of heaven, he says:

“While I don’t yet know the details that will fill the days between now and then, I do know the outcome—Jesus will be glorified and found faithful to the last.” (p. 259)

Indeed…and amen!

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Rob Flood serves as the pastor responsible for the marriage ministry at Covenant Fellowship Church. Additionally, Rob carries responsibility for Leadership Training, Women’s Ministry, and shares in the counseling of the church. He lives in West Chester with his wife, Gina, and their six children.